I used to express my true thoughts in Chinese. Mother tongue. I can express better.
Now I’m trying to write in English. No particular reason. Except that perhaps I subconsciously hope that this is not my true thought.
Was humiliated by my first CA in my university life. Hmm. Never knew that I could do Maths so badly.
Not that I didn’t study. I got. But yah, maybe not enough.
When I was in the MPSH doing the paper, I started panic when I realized that I was not really DOING the questions, but SKIPPING them.
…it was so different from the same tests for the past 3 years, which are the 1 hour papers that I could finish within 40mins. Topics are the same, yes, nothing out of syllabus. But somewhere halfway through the solving process, I was stuck. Panic panic. Couldn’t calm down and think properly, so of course couldn’t figure out the tricky parts. Time ticking ticking…. Sweat. In the end, hmm, I could solve 6 out of the 12 MCQs. High possibility that I got error in that 6 also. So yah, basically, I failed my 1st CA in my uni life.
Honestly it upset me a super lot. I was stoning from MPSH all the way back to KE. Refused to compare answer with other people. Refused to listen to other people talking about the test. Back to room, sat down, started stoning in front of my laptop. Tried to stop myself from stoning, so started surfing net for funny stuff. But obviously my mind was still dunno where, cos when Sharon called me at 930pm I was like ‘oops today got dance?’ didn’t want to go…but I went. It was not bad…at least I could move and dance and talk and laugh loud loud to let out my depress. JUST FORGET ABOUT THE BLOODY PAPER DUE TOMORROW! FORGET EVERYTHING!!!
So after I was back to my room, I started thinking about my USP paper…well…I just finished it 10 minutes ago, and it was all crap. Who cares.
Suddenly not sure where I am. I hate the feeling of being ‘not sure’. This is the cap of my intellectual level. I cant go an higher…or is it a bottleneck? It might be difficult to go through but there’s another big room of improvement ahead waiting for me?
Let’s be optimistic…choose to think in the latter way…
I’m lousy. Cant to arts, cant do science. Writing kills me. Calculus kills me also. Wahaha. Loser 1, loser 2, welcome to the loser land…
