Harlow every1...........i back liao.............

seems like i wrote my last blog hundreds yrs ago. haha pai seh.

the past one mth gt nth special. stopped gg to dance liao, thou they still gt prac. hmm dunno whether i can get e participation pts leh...anw. SRS stopped long agao liao. still go for wushu once a wk cos gt a performance at e end of july... so quite free... everyday is juz mugging n slacking n stoning...

last last sunday chen lao shi treated us lunch...in a quite high class hotel...ermz fd is ok...a lot of dessert bt i didnt eat much. 5555555....... regret le. alot of ppl eat until cant walk alr....for e ist time noticed tt e ips r such glutons.....scary

last fri went harmoc concert...v nice. really v nice. haha. memorable nite.

b4 e concert went out wif yang... watched 'kindom of heaven'. e show was nice... thou nt v happy coz yang didnt want to go concert wif me. i kno i too ren4 xing4 la.... he does nt hv e freedom.

last wk he gt field camp on wed thur n fri. i said i hv to c him when he back fr club, no matter hw late. he also agreed. i even started preparing. in e end he said we meet tml k? actlly i knew it. nvm nvm nvm.

i'm sure of my feeling 2wards him. v sure.

bt time for us to part is cming.............................................

我曾勇敢满身伤痛扬起笑脸 很近地站在幸福前

其实一直想要来写的，不过真的是万事开头难，每次打开电脑开了窗口就搁那儿晾着，直到关机了才想起来，不过只是想一想然后继续关机^^
所以今天我下定决心要写~~其实也不单纯是决心的问题。怕我自己又想太多吧。不过怕也没用，我还是会想太多，所以管他呢。

很多时候觉得自己还真是弱呢，这么点屁大的事情就洋洋洒洒那么多感慨。我就是这样，发生一件比较小的事情就会想挺多，推算到以后有什么更严重更伤心的大事会是什么样的心情。怎么说呢，事情的大小也不是我定的吧。走过了就好。
虽然是小事，想想还是挺难过。太有感情的过吧，加上离胜利太近了。突然了解了曾经看过的很多伤心故事中的人物。比如在和海南的比赛最后传错球的樱木，比如最后时刻失了金牌的运动员，比如眼睁睁失去至爱的男人女人，父亲母亲。我也不知道为什么一件小小的伤心事会让我对别的伤心事感触如此之深。可能是经历过，多少有了一个尺码吧。读这些故事的时候，真的能感受他们的心痛，以前没有的。表面上看不出什么，一样是不笑的表情。只是在心理狠狠的难过。
现在才真正懂得扬去年的心痛，可惜的是我当时真的不懂，只能呆呆的陪他不笑。伤心事，经历过才会懂吧。我是指那种自己眼睁睁造成的遗憾。刚刚电话里就想跟他说对不起，后来就说了。一想到我在他最难过的时候不能懂他的伤心，我不能对自己释怀。
经历和理解，真的是很珍贵的东西。

*******

两个星期也就这样过去了。挺平淡的，我都忘了。27号椰子生日，3号屈屈。赶作业。29日sports day, 喝了3杯免费的美禄。烦着武术的exco。真是，那种既舍不得又烦的感觉，真的让人心烦意乱。主要是每个人slack了，什么事都乱七八糟的，感觉很乱吧。
this time...i'm really leaving...

*******

时间 让痛苦不平都沉淀
怀念 让整个心情在浮现
我有太多感觉必须再见一面
不能好聚好散的爱会让心纠结
离别 不代表磨灭一切
谎言 有些时候也许是体贴
你用泪光回应我的真诚谅解
明天我们都有艳阳天
你是心中的花园
经常开玫瑰 偶尔飘落叶
爱在心中的花园
充满想念 留驻一个季节
纪念我曾勇敢满身伤痛扬起笑脸
很近地站在幸福前

当我给了你原谅也给了自己远方
这爱不再是眼前一面墙变成身后月光

时光机

那阳光碎裂在熟悉场景 好安静
一个人能背多少的往事 真不轻
谁的笑谁的温暖的手心 我着迷
伤痕好像都变成了曾经

全剧终看见满场空座椅 灯亮起
这故事 好像真实又像虚幻的情景
只是那好不容易被说服的自己
借口又顶不住懊恼的侵袭

好后悔 好伤心 想重来 行不行
再一次 我就不会走向这样的结局
好后悔 好伤心 谁把我放回去
我愿意付出所有来换一个时光机
对不起 独自回荡在空气 没人听
最后又是孤单到天明

真的痛总是来得很轻盈 没声音
从背后慢慢缓缓抱着我 就像你
你和我 还有很多的地方还没去
为何留我荒唐的坐在这里

好后悔 好伤心 想重来 行不行
再一次 我就不会走向这样的结局
好后悔 好伤心 谁把我放回去
我愿意付出所有来换一个时光机
对不起独自回荡在空气没人听
最后又是孤单到天明
最后又是孤单到天明

关于这件事的blog，我拖了有两天吧。
这里应该是我发泄感情的地方。只是刚发生的时候，真的没有力气写。等到现在已经非常平静的时候，才能安静的写。
为此我的电脑待机了两天=P

现在还是很自责。还是觉得是我的错。也许一直都会留着这样的感觉。
我也该跌个跟头了。虽然我实在实在很想拿回那个奖杯。怎么说都只差1分而已，难免遗憾。
或许以后我会以过来人的身份告诉别人我当时的感受……哈哈感觉像成熟的大人呢~~bleh---------=P

我想我长大了一些

这个星期很长。
不是什么大不了的事，我却为此破了许久保持的例。
站在旁人的角度，真的不是什么大事。只是对我来说，它曾经那么的近，几乎就被我们握在手中了，但是一瞬间就远得再也看不见。
难过的原因，如果细细分析，有很多。
胜利曾经太近了。如果从没有那么近，我不会伤心到如此。
我没有把它完成。好不好是另一个问题，可是我连一个分数都没有。
前半套完成的好。如果一开始就一塌糊涂，也就算了。
对手实力不强。明明可以打败。
是几乎女生比赛的最后一个项目。因此我一直认为是我的原因丢掉了冠军。
是我最后一个项目，从此没有机会再补过。不像世豪。
我的武术生涯以这样的收尾结束。
因此我的能力从此再也无法证明。
是隔了一天比的。感觉上好象整个星期三和星期四的准备一点用也没有，我的参与在星期二就结束了。

也不想多说了。我想我会永远记住星期四整个下午和晚上的心痛和难受。那种充斥整个思想，明知再也无法补救却一刻也无法不去回想和假设的痛苦。那种没有办法做任何事情包括睡觉，因而时间变得从未有过的难熬的可怕。那种一看到表演服号码布就控制不住的全身无力。
现在已经平静很多。感谢时间。

其实还有一个原因。事情刚刚发生的时候的不知所措。
因为扬彻底的不在。
我无法跟任何人说。我只能一个人绕着赛场楼下的食堂一圈一圈的跑，一个人经历冰凉冰凉的麻木。感觉全身，里面和外面，都在发抖。

男生拿到冠军的那一刻，我拼命叫啊跳啊，我好高兴啊！
就当作女生的运气送给了男生吧。

在这里要谢谢几个人。
谢谢妈妈。
谢谢进豪。
谢谢真真。
谢谢屈屈。
谢谢世豪。
谢谢球。
谢谢cheryl。
谢谢玮珊。
你们告诉我的话，一直在帮我。虽然还是忍不住伤心，但是没有这些话，我不敢想会怎样。
最后谢谢扬，虽然你回来晚了，我已经过了最难受的时候。相信我，昨天见到你的时候是我最后一次为这件事而哭泣。我知道我应该学着在没有你的地方，非常坚强。

i dun like these dayz..............

juz back fr 2nd day of comp...in fact i back 4 awhile liao...really suay this time...haiz...

ytdae lost to e TJ gal by 0.01...then 2dae lost to another gal...we gt e same score so they go n calculate the further decimal places...in the end i lost again...walau...2 4th...i go n die la...its damn lousy la...

2dae actlly better le. ytdae was v sad. even gt cried. felt like writing a long blog talking abt this...bt nw dun feel like le. basically i juz felt it v fast. practise for so long in the end 1 min then end liao. n nv fa1 hui1 well. mayb i'm this kind of person ba...anyway feel quite 憋气... then abit bu shuang...

总觉得我很容易被别人影响到……又很不容易被别人影响到。比如wq的那件事，我会一直想一直想，没有办法静下心来做别的事情。而当我自己有着某种情绪的时候，尤其是不高兴不开心的时候，别人再怎么安慰，而且不管是谁安慰，都是没有用的。那些安慰的词句我事先就能想到。其实归根结底，都源自我的一个毛病。有不高兴的事，都会想很久很久，一直想。也不是什么深入的思考，多数是回放然后不爽。不敢思考，思考了更后悔。

总是在比赛之前担心。从大事担心到小事。平衡不稳怎么办，腰带掉了怎么办，踩进地毯的缝怎么办。然而比赛总是快得让我还没反应过来就结束了。几个月的训练，比赛前几个小时一直的紧张和别人叮嘱的要点，好象还没有发挥就结束了。尤其是昨天，6点的比赛，从11点半到比赛前一直在想在练什么什么的，根本不敢做别的事情。最后也就这样了。我一直想值得吗？好累。

老实的说，我是希望能拿金的。我真的很讨厌我现场发挥的能力。我不喜欢别人在我拿了第4之后说不错不错。我宁愿他们说怎么才拿第4。

昨天的拳，让我郁闷的相当久。手背打紫流血了，到了场上还是一个击响都没有。我不敢看我的手。看到就会郁闷。

也许我还是比较适合舞蹈吧……有音乐，时间比较长，可以稍微尽情一点。dance syf 的时候，说实话我一点都不紧张。

then msn caused me quite alot of trouble...juz settle it...y 7.0 i cant used de...haiz

yang. i'm sorry tt i really dun feel better aft tinkg of u. i dun want 2 bluff u. bt i wil feel better if u r right here bside me. i tink. aniwaez.


==心比天高，命比纸薄==

不过这种东西也不能怪命的……好拉是我发现自己很烂比较不爽而已……

perhaps the only cure to my bushuangness is time...

life is like a straw...it sucks...

haha kidding only lah...juz feel it quite funny...

erm v long time nv write blog again liao...paiseh...100% of my readers protested liao...ok lah only gt 1 lah u kno who u r...=p
was really busy n tired for e past few days... dun even hv time to on my laptop, n i heard the hostel lan has been really sucked...haha kk i stop finding excuse liao...

hmm... where to start?

i gt 3 periods free 2dae...bcoz the rest of the kls doing phy skill b...hmm i wrote my last blog aft my phy b leh...oops... really long time ago liao...hee
i stopped at mar 30 rite? k..

didnt really rmb wat happened on 31th n 1st april...oyah on e april fool day we tried to play sme trick wif e teachers...whole kls hid in another klsrm upstairs b4 bio tutorial, shiyuan even wrote 'gone fishing' on the whiteboard of our klsrm...in e end nt fun de...mrs teo said her son told her everythg he gg to do with his teacher alr...=.=... n it was my angel/mortal's birthdae...bt didnt get chance to see him...so can only wish him happy bthdae here...

then was bz preparing 4 spa...coz last wk was a spa wk, i gt 2 spas per day for mon tue n wed...n on sun nite when i was bz studying 4 chem spa wangqing msged me to borrow my notes...was really bu shuang so told her to bear the consequence of nv arrange her notes well herself...then aft she replied a "thx 4 ur FRIENDLY reminder!'" we officially gt into coldwar...was greatly disturbed by this n cldnt conc studying anymre. 我以为我不会在意的，我平时不是一直觉得她烦的吗？但是我就是一直在想这件事。想我做错了吗？想怎么面对她？我发现我这个人真的是大脑有点不对劲。不管是不是我错，只要对方一生气，我就自己莫名其妙的理亏了起来。hai2 hao3 gt yang called me tt nite...toked abt it to him n wat he said made me feel much better. 扬说话的语气有一种很确定的成分在里面，不像我总是犹犹豫豫的。我不知道他是不是只在我面前说话是这样……因为他看上去是那种和和气气的老好人。总之他那种毫不怀疑的语气真的有让我安心的力量。
then for e following few daes i didnt tok to wq at all...n slowly i really felt mre comfortable nt toking 2 her. its really better tt she dun cme n fan2 wo. heng. i dun need her in my life anw.

as 4 spas...i flopped some n didne flop sme. haha. oyah i rmb le on 1st april i did my chem skill b..crystallization. my funnel gt stucked with the solid. was a bit panic...bt i managed to get the thg out n throw into the flask when e teacher is nt looking...hee. any tt was damn informal...e teacher was marking sme assignment while we doing spa...speechless...
was v sad aft sme spas...bt i dun want to mention le. better 4get them.

the spa wk was v bz. sunday morning gt dance, n they dragged til v late. mon aft my spa hd to paint banner for the funfair. tue gt dance, bt i pon it. then wed finaly abit relaxed le cos on tt dae my spa life officially end le!!! woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!! bt gt training la of course...

aft spa was v bz for cca le..in fact i've always been bz... as for dance...i juz dance la, bt they prac v frequently n INEFFICIENTLY...so erm nth 2 say lo juz vvvvv tired...for wushu its worse, coz still hv 2 worry abt e administration stuff...n this yr the comp alot of changes, alot of thgs went wrong...n going wrong...always 一惊一乍. i hate playing strategy. in the end gals no ji ti...quan n dao also dun hv. didnt dare to tell e ips cos saiho n i juz scolded them 4 nt training hard enuf...haiz hd to tell them...alot of this kind of thg...v physically n emotionally disturbing...

this fri will be dance syf. we performed 4 the music fest last fri, they said it was nt bad. btw e costume really irritated me. its was ex like shit n ugly like shit. 109 for a shirt n a pair of pants...kill me to make me blieve tt. then this sunday went kallang theatre for rehearsal...dun want to say le...tj n sajc was damn gd la...n e prob is i tink we can also do tt. we hv the skill! y dun let us do? anw...who cares...

nxt wk wushu comp start le. feel v v v v v unprepared....n i v worried abt my ti3 li4...its v tiring n scared i cant take it halfway thru my changquan...haiz..

all in all last two wks was really v tired...nv gt chance to rest at all. n to make it worse i gt cramped last wk...n still hv 2 kp doing tutorials..i like to go 9th floor n do my work nw. can b mre concentrated n i like the fresh air.

last sat gt funfair. was quite fun, n we really spent alot of effort painting the banner. n i like the banner alot, thou the duck v troublesome. didnt kno saiho can draw so well... n we stood there for whole aftnn n who nite coz no place to sit. our stall business v gd. always long queue. thou v tired nt boring gd enuf le...bt legs really v v v suan1...n e nxt dae still hv to dance. i gup an icecream back again n brought it to yang... i find i like to use tshirts to wrap icecrams n bring them to yang...haha

my hand gt blueblack coz of za2 quan2 n my finger gt cut by my bio notes...=.=...bt i will kp on gg...to get everthg done. to get everythg done nicely.

n jiayou baby...i kno it is v hard...u gt me. jiayou 2gether k? u r e best. proud of u.