你快回来 我一个人承受不来…
=waiting for a miracle=
Monday, March 12, 2007
tired...
still missing him... though i can make myself forget about his leaving temporarily when i'm doing work.
你快回来 我一个人承受不来…
你快回来 我一个人承受不来…
Saturday, March 10, 2007
应该到了要说些什么的时候吧…
=its such a long post…dun expect any1 to have the patience to finish reading it.
It is just for my own record… to let myself know I have been this sad.=
一个星期也就这样过去了。说实话，感觉还真的有一点久。
当时两个人在我的房间抱着哭，还真不是一幅寻常的画面。
眼睛到现在还是很痛。我这双心灵的窗口呵，在过去的一个星期真的是受到了各种款式不同花样但又是同样非人的折磨~真的是不好意思啊不好意思啊，用劲扬的话来说，我也不想这样的阿。
oops~ i am being a bit sarcastic. oops oops.
dun really want to victimize myself. trying to make myself a victim can only piss me off further cos it makes me more loser. i used to laugh at the word 'dump'. it gives me the feeling of throwing a bag of thrash into a rubbish bin, with a 'booom' sound. funny. now i guess i can sort of say i'm 'dumped' by jingyang? hmm.
and really. i feel like laughing at myself.
What do I want? Now I am so sad over this, is it bcos it was him who suggested breaking up? if it was me, would I feel better now?
Come to think of it, the major cause of my sadness should be he does not want to be with me anymore, and 1, he is very sure about it; 2, he somehow hided it well and suddenly told me everything on 3rd march, and left me on the same day.
I never thought he would left me. Never.
我真的一直有一种优越感，相信他就是一直傻傻的喜欢着我，我永远也不用担心他会离开。
So now, how more loser can u be, ye dan??
His family was not nice to him. His work and studies were very stressed. He came to u bcos u could bring him joy and happiness, bcos he could rest well in ur hug.
Now nothing has changed. His family is getting worse to him, he works until 10pm everyday. and yet he left u.
The day before he was still msging me, calling me ‘dar’; on 4th march he gave me the last msg, calling me ‘dan’ instead, and ask me to take care of myself.
And there he went. Not a single msg in the past week.
Was abit shocked. Tried to hold him back, even 拉下脸来 ask him ‘can u pls stay?’ and told him if he want to turn back, I will still be here waiting for him.
He says dar, 不要等我了，好吗？
He says 我对自己已经没有把握了…
I wonder how can I deal with love from now on. Want to find someone to somehow fill up the empty space so that maybe I will feel better, but no one ard me can give me the same feeling yang gave me. Or just find someone who claim he loves me to make do with it? Some friends say for gals its better to find a guy who loves u than a guy u love. But how? There is a space that is reserved for the one I love. It was filled up, but now left empty.
Even if I find someone I truly love? Please, I dare not to fall into it deeper than the guy again. Its really painful if he left me. Its enough to experience it once.
So I guess it will take a long long time before I start my next relationship.
i know we've not been so loving as compared to when we were in JC, or even when u were in NS. in fact i'm the one who raised the issue, and to initiate the question 'do i love u and do u love me?'
and on my side I have also considered break up, when I realized we were bcoming more and more distant and talk less and less. I planned to tell him what I was thinking after I came back from CNY holidays. But he opened his mouth before I did. And the stupid me was still expecting him 挽留 me when I was planning telling him about breaking up. how ironic.
I tot I wouldn’t be too sad after breaking up. I have complained about this relationship quite a few times, and I was even wondering whether I still love yang.
But I was wrong. My heart is freaking bloody pain.
Its kind of pain tt is v difficult to describe. As if something is lost all of a sudden, when u r so used to it. He is still there, but not there FOR ME.
And I can start thinking of him whatever I am doing. Tot of him having training in VJ when I do wushu in comm hall, tot of him eating when I cook Maggie mee, tot of him coming to NUS open house with me when I was in this year’s open house this afternoon.
He is so un-replaceable.
Rationally, it might be wise to break up with yang, like both my mom and ball said. We are not suitable. And bcos of his family, his personality of being v shy and not willing to open up and share with me, and the fact that what he gave me was usually not what I want, we wont really have a future.
But yang kept giving me the feeling that he would hold on to me and 陪我走到终点, as what he told me 2 years ago.
Mayb tts why I was so shocked when he suggested and insisted so firmly on breaking up. until now I still cant believe he just left like that.
I didn’t really want to give up. I wanted to present him two choices. Break up, or we both put in some more effort and pull our relationship back. I choose to believe 感情是要经营的，不完全靠缘分. And I chose to believe he loved me deep enough for him to change for me, and I change for him.
It was then proven that he did not.
He says its hard for him to change. I was also thinking if he changes, will it still be him? If I so want him to change to wat I like, do I stil love him?
And now I can answer this question with a big ‘YES’, cos now even when I see people with exactly the characters I like, I dun have any feeling towards them. I just want my yang.
sorry yang I didn’t follow what u told me in ur last sms. i kept skipping breakfasts, lunches and dinners. i didn’t drink much water. and I can’t make myself enjoy whatever I was doing.
felt a bit like giving up. i just threw myself into my endless schoolwork and hall activities and give up on taking care myself. What for taking care of myself?
Last Saturday nite and Sunday nite were the most horrible nite I have ever experienced. I had to hand up an essay by Monday morning, and I simply cannot get my brain to work. I kept falling in stoning mode, and u know what was all over my mind.
Stayed up til 4am. With pathetic progress on essay, and swollen eyes which were running out of water.
So in the past week my eyes were made dry and swollen for the first few days, and then they still had to stare at laptop screen for more than 5 hours everyday bcos of my hectic schedule last week, and bear with the eyeliner when I performed on Wednesday and Thursday for Chinese dance concert.
They are very very pain now. I feel my vision is getting blurer, even with my specs on.
时间真的是一个可爱的东西。一个星期后的现在，我应该算是已经调整好了心情了吧。不会再像刚开始几天那么呆滞，那么需要人陪，那么疯狂的一个人在房间走来走去，甚至拍打房间的墙壁。
还是没有想通。他就这么走了？走得这么坚决？
我到底做错了什么？
还是不想放弃。今天下午试着sms他，抱着一点点希望。可能一个星期的时间让他想通了？
Me: u really dun want to b my bf le ah? Sob sob. I want u back leh =( can dun give up so easily?
Yang: sorry dar… I tired le…tink if get back 2gether..same thg wil happen again..
Me: y tired?
Yang: juz dun feel rite anymre.. N dun tink its gd 4 both of us 2 carry on anymre. Scared in e end we wld b a burden 2 each other..
Me: nt 4 me. Dun feel rite?..i’m still e yedan in vjc…I can tell I didn’t change much..its really lack of communication, and we can work on that..
Yang: bt I dun feel tt way anymre.. I dun want 2 hurt u mre.. so tink its best 2 let go alr.. k?
Me: mayb its juz too sudden and shocking 4 me… nvm. Ok. Miss u. muack.
Yang: sorry dar. Really sorry dar.. bt tink our relationship is making both of us tired n unhappy.. cant c e point of carrying on alr.. at least we dun hate each other nw
Me: I’m nt tired and I’m happy with u.
Yang: sorry. My fault. Partly y I tink u dunno me anymre. N I dunno u too. N I’m nt wat u want me to b. juz cant..
呵呵…看来我是彻彻底底的被甩了。
拿出3年前记录我和他之间每一则简讯的簿子，在最后一页记下了这几则。我还是相当浪漫主义的。
At last, need to say big thank you to quite a few people...
shin, for always been here PHYSICALLY for me, so that i do not have to walk around in my room like mad, having nobody to talk to.
ball, for the entry on ur blog, for the nite we talk to each other, for our msn conversation. u r just simply one of my best friends.
peijia, for accompany me and allowed me to hold her to slp, abandoning poor kok.
yuzhu, for the sms =)
zhanjiang, for our msn conversation, though i kno u were so free to talk to me just bcoz u were staying at home on MC =,=
YY and angele and the random passerby, for leaving words of encouragement on my tagboard =)
Big Face, for the email. i love u.
coco, for ur hug on msn.
jiahui and yuanlin, for ur asking and listening.
laoban men in xqrj, kane, kok n seng, for being so brother and so sensitive to realize my sadness.
colin, for ur care.
I LOVE U ALL.
and i dedicate this entry to him, who will most likely never see this entry. Thanks dar, for giving me 2 years 8months 6 days of happiness and love, and allowing me to experience the pain of losing it.
And I dedicate this entry to myself. Hey, 记得要忘记。
It is just for my own record… to let myself know I have been this sad.=
一个星期也就这样过去了。说实话，感觉还真的有一点久。
当时两个人在我的房间抱着哭，还真不是一幅寻常的画面。
眼睛到现在还是很痛。我这双心灵的窗口呵，在过去的一个星期真的是受到了各种款式不同花样但又是同样非人的折磨~真的是不好意思啊不好意思啊，用劲扬的话来说，我也不想这样的阿。
oops~ i am being a bit sarcastic. oops oops.
dun really want to victimize myself. trying to make myself a victim can only piss me off further cos it makes me more loser. i used to laugh at the word 'dump'. it gives me the feeling of throwing a bag of thrash into a rubbish bin, with a 'booom' sound. funny. now i guess i can sort of say i'm 'dumped' by jingyang? hmm.
and really. i feel like laughing at myself.
What do I want? Now I am so sad over this, is it bcos it was him who suggested breaking up? if it was me, would I feel better now?
Come to think of it, the major cause of my sadness should be he does not want to be with me anymore, and 1, he is very sure about it; 2, he somehow hided it well and suddenly told me everything on 3rd march, and left me on the same day.
I never thought he would left me. Never.
我真的一直有一种优越感，相信他就是一直傻傻的喜欢着我，我永远也不用担心他会离开。
So now, how more loser can u be, ye dan??
His family was not nice to him. His work and studies were very stressed. He came to u bcos u could bring him joy and happiness, bcos he could rest well in ur hug.
Now nothing has changed. His family is getting worse to him, he works until 10pm everyday. and yet he left u.
The day before he was still msging me, calling me ‘dar’; on 4th march he gave me the last msg, calling me ‘dan’ instead, and ask me to take care of myself.
And there he went. Not a single msg in the past week.
Was abit shocked. Tried to hold him back, even 拉下脸来 ask him ‘can u pls stay?’ and told him if he want to turn back, I will still be here waiting for him.
He says dar, 不要等我了，好吗？
He says 我对自己已经没有把握了…
I wonder how can I deal with love from now on. Want to find someone to somehow fill up the empty space so that maybe I will feel better, but no one ard me can give me the same feeling yang gave me. Or just find someone who claim he loves me to make do with it? Some friends say for gals its better to find a guy who loves u than a guy u love. But how? There is a space that is reserved for the one I love. It was filled up, but now left empty.
Even if I find someone I truly love? Please, I dare not to fall into it deeper than the guy again. Its really painful if he left me. Its enough to experience it once.
So I guess it will take a long long time before I start my next relationship.
i know we've not been so loving as compared to when we were in JC, or even when u were in NS. in fact i'm the one who raised the issue, and to initiate the question 'do i love u and do u love me?'
and on my side I have also considered break up, when I realized we were bcoming more and more distant and talk less and less. I planned to tell him what I was thinking after I came back from CNY holidays. But he opened his mouth before I did. And the stupid me was still expecting him 挽留 me when I was planning telling him about breaking up. how ironic.
I tot I wouldn’t be too sad after breaking up. I have complained about this relationship quite a few times, and I was even wondering whether I still love yang.
But I was wrong. My heart is freaking bloody pain.
Its kind of pain tt is v difficult to describe. As if something is lost all of a sudden, when u r so used to it. He is still there, but not there FOR ME.
And I can start thinking of him whatever I am doing. Tot of him having training in VJ when I do wushu in comm hall, tot of him eating when I cook Maggie mee, tot of him coming to NUS open house with me when I was in this year’s open house this afternoon.
He is so un-replaceable.
Rationally, it might be wise to break up with yang, like both my mom and ball said. We are not suitable. And bcos of his family, his personality of being v shy and not willing to open up and share with me, and the fact that what he gave me was usually not what I want, we wont really have a future.
But yang kept giving me the feeling that he would hold on to me and 陪我走到终点, as what he told me 2 years ago.
Mayb tts why I was so shocked when he suggested and insisted so firmly on breaking up. until now I still cant believe he just left like that.
I didn’t really want to give up. I wanted to present him two choices. Break up, or we both put in some more effort and pull our relationship back. I choose to believe 感情是要经营的，不完全靠缘分. And I chose to believe he loved me deep enough for him to change for me, and I change for him.
It was then proven that he did not.
He says its hard for him to change. I was also thinking if he changes, will it still be him? If I so want him to change to wat I like, do I stil love him?
And now I can answer this question with a big ‘YES’, cos now even when I see people with exactly the characters I like, I dun have any feeling towards them. I just want my yang.
sorry yang I didn’t follow what u told me in ur last sms. i kept skipping breakfasts, lunches and dinners. i didn’t drink much water. and I can’t make myself enjoy whatever I was doing.
felt a bit like giving up. i just threw myself into my endless schoolwork and hall activities and give up on taking care myself. What for taking care of myself?
Last Saturday nite and Sunday nite were the most horrible nite I have ever experienced. I had to hand up an essay by Monday morning, and I simply cannot get my brain to work. I kept falling in stoning mode, and u know what was all over my mind.
Stayed up til 4am. With pathetic progress on essay, and swollen eyes which were running out of water.
So in the past week my eyes were made dry and swollen for the first few days, and then they still had to stare at laptop screen for more than 5 hours everyday bcos of my hectic schedule last week, and bear with the eyeliner when I performed on Wednesday and Thursday for Chinese dance concert.
They are very very pain now. I feel my vision is getting blurer, even with my specs on.
时间真的是一个可爱的东西。一个星期后的现在，我应该算是已经调整好了心情了吧。不会再像刚开始几天那么呆滞，那么需要人陪，那么疯狂的一个人在房间走来走去，甚至拍打房间的墙壁。
还是没有想通。他就这么走了？走得这么坚决？
我到底做错了什么？
还是不想放弃。今天下午试着sms他，抱着一点点希望。可能一个星期的时间让他想通了？
Me: u really dun want to b my bf le ah? Sob sob. I want u back leh =( can dun give up so easily?
Yang: sorry dar… I tired le…tink if get back 2gether..same thg wil happen again..
Me: y tired?
Yang: juz dun feel rite anymre.. N dun tink its gd 4 both of us 2 carry on anymre. Scared in e end we wld b a burden 2 each other..
Me: nt 4 me. Dun feel rite?..i’m still e yedan in vjc…I can tell I didn’t change much..its really lack of communication, and we can work on that..
Yang: bt I dun feel tt way anymre.. I dun want 2 hurt u mre.. so tink its best 2 let go alr.. k?
Me: mayb its juz too sudden and shocking 4 me… nvm. Ok. Miss u. muack.
Yang: sorry dar. Really sorry dar.. bt tink our relationship is making both of us tired n unhappy.. cant c e point of carrying on alr.. at least we dun hate each other nw
Me: I’m nt tired and I’m happy with u.
Yang: sorry. My fault. Partly y I tink u dunno me anymre. N I dunno u too. N I’m nt wat u want me to b. juz cant..
呵呵…看来我是彻彻底底的被甩了。
拿出3年前记录我和他之间每一则简讯的簿子，在最后一页记下了这几则。我还是相当浪漫主义的。
At last, need to say big thank you to quite a few people...
shin, for always been here PHYSICALLY for me, so that i do not have to walk around in my room like mad, having nobody to talk to.
ball, for the entry on ur blog, for the nite we talk to each other, for our msn conversation. u r just simply one of my best friends.
peijia, for accompany me and allowed me to hold her to slp, abandoning poor kok.
yuzhu, for the sms =)
zhanjiang, for our msn conversation, though i kno u were so free to talk to me just bcoz u were staying at home on MC =,=
YY and angele and the random passerby, for leaving words of encouragement on my tagboard =)
Big Face, for the email. i love u.
coco, for ur hug on msn.
jiahui and yuanlin, for ur asking and listening.
laoban men in xqrj, kane, kok n seng, for being so brother and so sensitive to realize my sadness.
colin, for ur care.
I LOVE U ALL.
and i dedicate this entry to him, who will most likely never see this entry. Thanks dar, for giving me 2 years 8months 6 days of happiness and love, and allowing me to experience the pain of losing it.
And I dedicate this entry to myself. Hey, 记得要忘记。
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
美丽的误会
那时候听爱如潮水
想象着万一我们不是一对
你和我谁会在深夜里孤独的买醉
这一晚我一个人睡
防备着那于事无补的伤悲
还有很多工作
只能面对 不能憔悴
我为我的坚强而骄傲
却为这段情感到惭愧
我只能够承认失去了你
都无所谓
我听的歌爱的人说的话
是不是美丽的误会
我不能为你不顾一切的崩溃
除非这样子能保证把你挽回
我牵的手伤的心流的泪
是不是浪漫的误会
是爱得太伤还是伤得太累
难道你还不配让我的心碎
这一晚听爱如潮水
数算着为感情而吃过的亏
搞不懂麻木是不是我学到的智慧
那时候我们都很累
还以为分手之后总有机会
让我们说后悔
为了失恋为所欲为
在爱情的面前我宁愿卑微
==========
kind of busy these days... as i have complained in one of the previous posts...
so just put up some songs that describe my feelings... for the time being...
work and studies will keep me ok =)
想象着万一我们不是一对
你和我谁会在深夜里孤独的买醉
这一晚我一个人睡
防备着那于事无补的伤悲
还有很多工作
只能面对 不能憔悴
我为我的坚强而骄傲
却为这段情感到惭愧
我只能够承认失去了你
都无所谓
我听的歌爱的人说的话
是不是美丽的误会
我不能为你不顾一切的崩溃
除非这样子能保证把你挽回
我牵的手伤的心流的泪
是不是浪漫的误会
是爱得太伤还是伤得太累
难道你还不配让我的心碎
这一晚听爱如潮水
数算着为感情而吃过的亏
搞不懂麻木是不是我学到的智慧
那时候我们都很累
还以为分手之后总有机会
让我们说后悔
为了失恋为所欲为
在爱情的面前我宁愿卑微
==========
kind of busy these days... as i have complained in one of the previous posts...
so just put up some songs that describe my feelings... for the time being...
work and studies will keep me ok =)
Monday, March 05, 2007
Saturday, March 03, 2007
i dun mean to complain but i just HAVE TO...
days are becoming more and more like hell... work comes at a 排山倒海的阵势...
whole cny break was studying plus minimal visit to relatives. then got assignment deadline on the day i come back singapore. so was writing just before i board the flight, and continued writing after i got off the flight until i finally finished it before midnite...
then monday and tuesday were two midterms. after that tot can rest already, but still got dance rehearsals cos there will be two concerts coming up really soon. then as usual wednesday got lab, and have to hand up report by friday. so work til very late day before yesterday. then suddenly realise essay dealine is this friday (yes, which was yesterday, so i AM late), so dying writing.
and the stooopid interhall dance today kept me in KR hall from 9pm to 12:30am.
ok lets see what i have got from now until end of next week.
saturday, need to finish up essay; wushu training; talk to yang; hall activity interview; and yuzhu's birthday celebration.
sunday, diedie have to finish up essay; dance; wushu.
monday, lesson until 7pm, then got tuition, definitely no time for dinner. may got dance also.
tuesday, lesson from 10am to 6pm without break.
wednesday, lesson from 9am to 6am with 1 hour break. deadline of online assignment. lab report coming up. chinese dace concert.
thursday, physics test. chinese dance concert.
friday, usp test. have to hand up lab report.
how do i squeeze time out to study for the two tests????
wat the hell.
days are becoming more and more like hell... work comes at a 排山倒海的阵势...
whole cny break was studying plus minimal visit to relatives. then got assignment deadline on the day i come back singapore. so was writing just before i board the flight, and continued writing after i got off the flight until i finally finished it before midnite...
then monday and tuesday were two midterms. after that tot can rest already, but still got dance rehearsals cos there will be two concerts coming up really soon. then as usual wednesday got lab, and have to hand up report by friday. so work til very late day before yesterday. then suddenly realise essay dealine is this friday (yes, which was yesterday, so i AM late), so dying writing.
and the stooopid interhall dance today kept me in KR hall from 9pm to 12:30am.
ok lets see what i have got from now until end of next week.
saturday, need to finish up essay; wushu training; talk to yang; hall activity interview; and yuzhu's birthday celebration.
sunday, diedie have to finish up essay; dance; wushu.
monday, lesson until 7pm, then got tuition, definitely no time for dinner. may got dance also.
tuesday, lesson from 10am to 6pm without break.
wednesday, lesson from 9am to 6am with 1 hour break. deadline of online assignment. lab report coming up. chinese dace concert.
thursday, physics test. chinese dance concert.
friday, usp test. have to hand up lab report.
how do i squeeze time out to study for the two tests????
wat the hell.
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