记得要忘记

似乎一向偏爱心痛的歌
可能对我来说 心痛的感觉才强烈得称得上感觉
唉，注定的悲剧人物^^
大家看好了，哪天我失恋了我一定尽情折磨自己，尽情享受痛苦
哈哈哈哈

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在就要转身前突然又想起你
相遇的那天漾着微笑的你
那个微笑还是很美丽
可惜那个人常常要让人哭泣

太耀眼的城市不适合看星星
就如同你的心不适合谈安定
谢谢你让我伤过心
学会爱情并非执迷
人改变不了改变不了的事情

记得要忘记 忘记
我提醒自己
你已经是人海中的一个背影
长长时光
我应该要有 新的回忆

人无法决定会为谁动心
但至少可以决定放不放弃
我承认我还是会爱着你
但我将永不再触碰这记忆

记得要忘记 忘记
经过我的你
毕竟只是很偶像的那种相遇
不会不容易
我有一辈子 足够用来忘记

我还有一辈子可以用来努力
我一定会忘记你

i'll b away for abt 2 wks...

bcoz of block test...yah
i write here 1st so tt when ppl blame me i can say 'i said alr wat...'
hohoho

没想到我也会有这种感觉

人类体内的荷尔蒙分泌果然是神秘而又作用强大。不知道是哪里死过来的一堆挤成一团的丑陋的叽叽歪歪的粘乎乎的细胞呼啦一下就把这些要命的东西象排污一样丢进我宝贵的血液中。莫名其妙。某人看见了肯定又要说什么S1 sux 之类的破话啥的。我也觉得。了解得这么清楚有个屁用。好歹想个办法控制控制啊？！没法？没法死去。
哦！我知道了。了解得清楚才能发现它是无法控制的。恩~~我真是天才。

人的内心想法和外界影响密不可分，这是真理，好象阿基米德定理一般。但是又不会完全被影响，一部分纯洁的内心想法固执的坚守岗位。我现在很想知道内心和外界的影响各占多少百分比？这样我可能会知道我这个混蛋到底在想什么。
没想到我也会有没感觉的感觉，而且一下就汹涌而来，我挡也挡不住的变成无情人。企图对这个现象进行科学的分析，结果越分析越焦躁，拨他的电话在他的语音信箱里大叫他的全名骂他是混蛋。
也一直在想对他好和纵容，这个分界线到底在哪里。人说爱一个人就是什么都愿意为他做，包括为他改变（当然不包括某些变态的行为——我们的讨论局限于变态中的正常人）；人又说爱一个人就是爱他的全部，原本的他。试想从这两派中各挑一个出来谈恋爱，一个并不是很想改变但是为了显示自己爱他于是逼自己改变，一个倒愿意她变一变但为了显示自己爱她于是逼自己告诉她不要改变。景象果然蔚为壮观。
其实我纵容也无所谓。他不是不会约束自己的人。不过有时候太可爱了一点吧……一次两次可以，多了恕我扛不住。吸着鼻子抽抽嗒嗒的soba soba。让我怀疑我是不是果然变成我女朋友的男朋友。
我还是没有办法如何控诉他的罪行。一则没有什么称的上是‘罪行’可控，二则我已经习惯，或者不如说不习惯控诉，别人看到了会拍案惊奇，有损我在大伙心目中好象早已固定的形象。最多也只会喊全名然后骂混蛋而已。比如说昨天当他迟到了半个小时之后。其实我挺奇怪的他以前上学训练赴朋友约都没迟到过，怎么跟我见面好象就没有不迟到过，而且E(X)=半个小时。是因为我只会说没关系吗。
另外的原因比较龌龊，源于我的色女本性。可能因为扬这几个礼拜都穿制服进出，没什么机会有身体的接触。其他我倒无所谓。其实所有的东西我都以为无所谓，我就抱着胳膊走在他旁边好了。到现在感觉越来越淡，急忙查找不当之处，才发觉我们快一个月没有拉手。不要笑，这是很重要的。其他我倒无所谓。什么抱抱啊亲亲啊。我就是喜欢他拉着我的手。拉着我的手走。然后就会觉得世界没有尽头。没了他的手，短时间觉得伤心，长时间觉得联系断了，没有他也行。
加上很长时间以来我们都是只在周末他进出的时候见上几个小时。他通常累的半死，心情也糟。就想从早工作到晚的丈夫回家直接倒床上睡觉，早上起来直接上班一般。还是觉得上次在图书馆那天是最开心的，因为他的笑好轻松，一点没有烦和累。
我老妈的言论可能也有影响。渐渐觉得我们到底还是两个世界的人。他在新加坡，我不知道在哪里。他不会愿意跟我走，我们的孩子是新加坡人（which我很不愿意……我想让我的孩子有中国国籍然后会至少欣赏古文，说标准的中国话而非新加坡普通话，而且不得说英文多过用中文）。他坚信成了男女朋友就应该永远在一起，搞的这个关系如同夫妻。我不是说男女朋友终会分手，只是不要一直一直要我答应永远不离开你好吗？永远……太遥远。
昨天我跟他说对我好一点，再好一点。让我觉得没有你是不行的。我不知道他知道“好”是什么好法吗？毕竟他还是笨笨的。送他的书他没有看而一直在看漫画。从不会花一点心思看看我的blog，还说我可以直接跟他说。是没有经验么？看起来不怎么了解恋人要什么嘛，除了嘴上说的我爱你好想你蛋蛋蛋蛋以外。
当然他还是有许多好的。比‘坏’多。太多了，懒得写。
或许下个礼拜他能穿着外面的衣服出来，重新牵起我的手，不知道那时侯感觉会不会回来一些。


btw these two wksnth much,only study...did 20+ past yr papers in 2 weeks. nt fast, cos alot of qn no need to do. this wk start lking thru notes n tutorials. nxt wk gg to battle. only funny thg is everyday lame wif ball in study rm, which is still filled with inconsiderate ppl. n last time they went for the prom nite of hanwei n yubin's company. ball really pretty in tt look leh. nt bad. hmm nth much.

juz finished my 1st SAT...

yah...as the title suggested...
the two wks or so b4 last sat was really bz...actually cant say bz, its like everyday one purpose only... then its like 4get abt time already. started practising n memorising e word list at abt one wk b4 schl end...i tink when i wrote my last blog i'v alr started sme form of revision. haha. in fact its as impt as e A levels if nt mre...bt i only spend 2 wks mugging on tt...isit bcoz i too lazy to start early, kind of dilatory(haha 1 of e new words i learn)...or its really useless mugging...coz my standard is there alr...
hmm wateva...i hv to admit tt its useful memorising word list...if i nv studied tt, i cld hv died... during e test i saw a lot of words i nv knew b4 i studied e word list. so i'm still thankful.
on e dae...i shld say i didnt do v well. esp e essay, i juz wrote a opening n 1 mre paragraph. 20min is shorter than i expected. smetimes didnt kno wat i was reading. gt 1 section nv finish. in a word it is worse than any practice test i did... n i tink its a bit hard for me to hit 2000. anw.
sat aft e test i wandered ard on e street for a while. a bit lost, cos suddenly nth 2 do. i find myself quite 难伺候...when hv 2 study feel v stressed n frustrated, when nth 2 do then feel v bored n meaningless...haiz...dunno wat can make me feel e best...when i was in the lift up tp my rm i was thinking...wat if i initiate a project, do sme research on sme kind of 'optimum' condition for a gd mood...external environment...hormone secretion...individual cases...hmm sound intriguing...
on fri, tt was e dae b4 my SAT...went out with yang, went mp lib 2 study. tt was e happiest dae i had with yang...really...mayb its bcos he was by my side, n i can feel him 4 e whole aftnn..i find tt i prefer this rather than a tight hug last for a few seconds...he was also v relaxed...unlike when i go 'buy thgs' with him, he s always rushing n worrying abt his army stuff...his smile really really charming. v v v v v nice to look at. lucky no1 else hs discovered yet...haha
he gt back on wed...i waited for him at pasir ris for 1+hr, then he aked me 2 go tampines 2 cont waiting...was abit unhappy...wah lau my SAT on saturday leh...waste my time like tt...when he appeared in front of me n told me he stil hv 2 go buy thgs n asked me 2 wait again i cldnt help bt said "faster la" with an angry tone...bt e nxt second i started to try suppressing my anger...he lked so tired..n he carried such big bags, each one almost as big as he himself..n damn heavy...i sent a msg telling him 2 take his time to buy thgs, i can wait. i kno he juz marched 32km. when he's back i toked 2 him happily... n helped him carry one of the bags. i shld say v heavy...bt within my capacity. bt cant imagine wat if i hv 2 carry one mre which is even heavier...poor yang. he fell aslp on the bus...n drooled =P yang...555...dun b upset abt ur posting k? its nth, really...juz bear with it for a few months...anw it cant b changed, no point angry with it...k? hug hug... dan always on ur side =D ^^

juz some add-ons...........coz feel tt so long alr only write so few word nt v nice le ha...haha

en. lets start...
wk 8, which was last last wk...i gt two tests, bio n chem... to me every single small little test is like da3 zhang4 like tt la...bt v funny e nite b4 my chem test on fri i was v relaxed... unlike for bio... anyway i mug for quite long for both...
these daes zhenzhen n ququ often come down to 6th floor pantry to cook. i learnt nian2 gao1 fr ququ...n also bought rice flour. last time even cooked nian2 gao1 with choco inside for yang to try ^^ hohoho...bt juz for tt time i forgot to add sugar >.< lucky still gt choco inside.
abt 3 wks ago it was really damn hot...hot until i wanted to vomit. v uncomfortable. yang said he wanted to buy a small fan for me...haha so cute. cant stay in rm of course, n outside was also unbearable. so i migrated to study rm. bt study rm gt no reception for radio...o my 933...o yah btw i addicted to 933 these daes liao. haha. everytime also want to listen. tink its e random arrangement of e songs n e presence of DJs tt attract me.
n another thg bad abt study rm is e inconsiderate ppl...omg...always chitchatting...sme ppl nv even intend to lower down their volume. for once a junior was eating sth behind me...e sound...omg...v loud...n lasted for v long...its e sound of chewing thgs...haiz. n e same junior, always make alot of noise walking ard (she dunno hw to control her slippers meh?) n shifting chairs, moving her thgs...in one word she nv tink of hw e noise she make will affect others la! so in considerate...n once she yawned for 5 mins at 30 sec intervals...nv lower down her vol as usual...speechless...
last wk attended sme kind of essay writing workshop...n also met with teacher advisor. haiz...so troublesome. i want to b a lecturer n professor! 55555....seems v hard leh....n also gathered sme info abt overseas Us...555...v ex leh....
oyah last wk 16PF report out liao...i'm such a depressing person la! sme r true...bt for some comments...i tink i'm nt tt terrible rite?? anw...i'm nt gg to present it to any interviewer...
day b4 ytdae i saw yang off, bought a pair of new shoes. haha quite nice, i like alot...thou abit ex la...$13...n on tt dae it was v sweet...for e 1st time yang hug me so closely so long n so tightly...huhuhu~~~ do i sound evil?
en fr nw on i hv to control myself mre strictly le...yah...cant juz let my mind go n wandering ard...cant tink of him all e time. work hard play hard!! hohoho~~~~~
btw...last sat e yong tau foo was so nice...thx yang...hee ^^

Harlow every1...........i back liao.............

seems like i wrote my last blog hundreds yrs ago. haha pai seh.

the past one mth gt nth special. stopped gg to dance liao, thou they still gt prac. hmm dunno whether i can get e participation pts leh...anw. SRS stopped long agao liao. still go for wushu once a wk cos gt a performance at e end of july... so quite free... everyday is juz mugging n slacking n stoning...

last last sunday chen lao shi treated us lunch...in a quite high class hotel...ermz fd is ok...a lot of dessert bt i didnt eat much. 5555555....... regret le. alot of ppl eat until cant walk alr....for e ist time noticed tt e ips r such glutons.....scary

last fri went harmoc concert...v nice. really v nice. haha. memorable nite.

b4 e concert went out wif yang... watched 'kindom of heaven'. e show was nice... thou nt v happy coz yang didnt want to go concert wif me. i kno i too ren4 xing4 la.... he does nt hv e freedom.

last wk he gt field camp on wed thur n fri. i said i hv to c him when he back fr club, no matter hw late. he also agreed. i even started preparing. in e end he said we meet tml k? actlly i knew it. nvm nvm nvm.

i'm sure of my feeling 2wards him. v sure.

bt time for us to part is cming.............................................

我曾勇敢满身伤痛扬起笑脸 很近地站在幸福前

其实一直想要来写的，不过真的是万事开头难，每次打开电脑开了窗口就搁那儿晾着，直到关机了才想起来，不过只是想一想然后继续关机^^
所以今天我下定决心要写~~其实也不单纯是决心的问题。怕我自己又想太多吧。不过怕也没用，我还是会想太多，所以管他呢。

很多时候觉得自己还真是弱呢，这么点屁大的事情就洋洋洒洒那么多感慨。我就是这样，发生一件比较小的事情就会想挺多，推算到以后有什么更严重更伤心的大事会是什么样的心情。怎么说呢，事情的大小也不是我定的吧。走过了就好。
虽然是小事，想想还是挺难过。太有感情的过吧，加上离胜利太近了。突然了解了曾经看过的很多伤心故事中的人物。比如在和海南的比赛最后传错球的樱木，比如最后时刻失了金牌的运动员，比如眼睁睁失去至爱的男人女人，父亲母亲。我也不知道为什么一件小小的伤心事会让我对别的伤心事感触如此之深。可能是经历过，多少有了一个尺码吧。读这些故事的时候，真的能感受他们的心痛，以前没有的。表面上看不出什么，一样是不笑的表情。只是在心理狠狠的难过。
现在才真正懂得扬去年的心痛，可惜的是我当时真的不懂，只能呆呆的陪他不笑。伤心事，经历过才会懂吧。我是指那种自己眼睁睁造成的遗憾。刚刚电话里就想跟他说对不起，后来就说了。一想到我在他最难过的时候不能懂他的伤心，我不能对自己释怀。
经历和理解，真的是很珍贵的东西。

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两个星期也就这样过去了。挺平淡的，我都忘了。27号椰子生日，3号屈屈。赶作业。29日sports day, 喝了3杯免费的美禄。烦着武术的exco。真是，那种既舍不得又烦的感觉，真的让人心烦意乱。主要是每个人slack了，什么事都乱七八糟的，感觉很乱吧。
this time...i'm really leaving...

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时间 让痛苦不平都沉淀
怀念 让整个心情在浮现
我有太多感觉必须再见一面
不能好聚好散的爱会让心纠结
离别 不代表磨灭一切
谎言 有些时候也许是体贴
你用泪光回应我的真诚谅解
明天我们都有艳阳天
你是心中的花园
经常开玫瑰 偶尔飘落叶
爱在心中的花园
充满想念 留驻一个季节
纪念我曾勇敢满身伤痛扬起笑脸
很近地站在幸福前

当我给了你原谅也给了自己远方
这爱不再是眼前一面墙变成身后月光