凌晨的时候跳完舞，一个人从KR走路回KE7。很没志气的忽然想要有一个拥抱。大大毛毛软软的totoro……我可以睡在你温暖的怀抱里么？
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
angry at myself
Ok. Now. Tell me what’s so good about him that u cant let go.
He never give u any present for the three valentines’ days.
He nv tell his family about your existence.
He dare not to pick up ur calls when he is at home.
He always has to go back home before 7pm.
He dun remember the day when u first kissed him.
He nv giv u any surprise.
He only writes to u three times. First one was when u just started, second one was u asked for it and he dragged one month, and the third one was the one telling u ‘thank u for being by my side when I was at my lowest point’. And take into account that u like guys to write to u.
He is always not there for u when u need him the most. Either bcos he’s busy, or he has to cope with his family.
His sms-es are always short and say the same thing.
He was only with u for ur first birthday and first anniversary.
He never give u any flower, although he promised to.
He try to avoid meeting ur friends, when u r actually proud of him in front of them.
U cook for him, save good food for him, go meet him on impulse. In return he told u its not convenient.
He can be late for more than half an hour. For many times.
He answer ur questions with ‘I dunno’, or insist on u answering the same question first before he answer.
He always fall aslp.
He never check emails, seldom on msn, and never read ur blog.
He forever refused to do any small little crazy thing with u, like go back to VJ in uniform.
He seldom share with u his life in the past, even when u show interest.
And he knows little about ur background, and Chinese culture, which u want ur guy to know.
So u see it? He is NOT ur guy.
Stop missing his hugs, his kisses, his smile, his sea coconut, his curry puff, his early sms-es or whatever. It is so damn SUPERFACIAL! Come on la u dun need all those!
Please. Wake up. Kick him away from ur mind. DO WORK. Ur Mr. Right is still somewhere in the near future waiting for u.
He never give u any present for the three valentines’ days.
He nv tell his family about your existence.
He dare not to pick up ur calls when he is at home.
He always has to go back home before 7pm.
He dun remember the day when u first kissed him.
He nv giv u any surprise.
He only writes to u three times. First one was when u just started, second one was u asked for it and he dragged one month, and the third one was the one telling u ‘thank u for being by my side when I was at my lowest point’. And take into account that u like guys to write to u.
He is always not there for u when u need him the most. Either bcos he’s busy, or he has to cope with his family.
His sms-es are always short and say the same thing.
He was only with u for ur first birthday and first anniversary.
He never give u any flower, although he promised to.
He try to avoid meeting ur friends, when u r actually proud of him in front of them.
U cook for him, save good food for him, go meet him on impulse. In return he told u its not convenient.
He can be late for more than half an hour. For many times.
He answer ur questions with ‘I dunno’, or insist on u answering the same question first before he answer.
He always fall aslp.
He never check emails, seldom on msn, and never read ur blog.
He forever refused to do any small little crazy thing with u, like go back to VJ in uniform.
He seldom share with u his life in the past, even when u show interest.
And he knows little about ur background, and Chinese culture, which u want ur guy to know.
So u see it? He is NOT ur guy.
Stop missing his hugs, his kisses, his smile, his sea coconut, his curry puff, his early sms-es or whatever. It is so damn SUPERFACIAL! Come on la u dun need all those!
Please. Wake up. Kick him away from ur mind. DO WORK. Ur Mr. Right is still somewhere in the near future waiting for u.
Friday, March 16, 2007
珊瑚海
海平面远方开始阴霾
悲伤要怎么平静纯白
我的脸上 始终挟带
一抹浅浅的无奈
你用唇语说你要离开
心不在
那难过无声慢了下来
汹涌潮水 你听明白
不是浪而是泪海
转身离开
分手说不出来（你有话说不出来）
海鸟跟鱼相爱 只是一场意外
我们的爱 差异一直存在 回不来
风中尘埃 竟累积成伤害（等待竟累积成伤害）
转身离开
分手说不出来
蔚蓝的珊瑚海 错过瞬间苍白
当初彼此（你有我的） 不够成熟坦白
不应该
热情不再 笑容勉强不来
爱深埋珊瑚海
毁坏的沙雕如何重来
有裂痕的爱怎么重盖
只是一切结束太快
你说你无法释怀
贝壳里隐藏什么期待
等花儿开
我们也已经无心再猜
脸上海风 咸咸的爱
尝不出还有未来
转身离开
分手说不出来（你有话说不出来）
海鸟跟鱼相爱 只是一场意外
我们的爱 差异一直存在
回不来
风中尘埃 竟累积成伤害（等待竟累积成伤害）
转身离开 分手说不出来
蔚蓝的珊瑚海 错过瞬间苍白
当初彼此（你有我的） 不够成熟坦白
不应该
热情不在 你的笑容勉强不来
爱深埋珊瑚海
===========
this song used to be my favourate... now listening to it, suddenly realise it is so 贴切...
yes, i still need time.
悲伤要怎么平静纯白
我的脸上 始终挟带
一抹浅浅的无奈
你用唇语说你要离开
心不在
那难过无声慢了下来
汹涌潮水 你听明白
不是浪而是泪海
转身离开
分手说不出来（你有话说不出来）
海鸟跟鱼相爱 只是一场意外
我们的爱 差异一直存在 回不来
风中尘埃 竟累积成伤害（等待竟累积成伤害）
转身离开
分手说不出来
蔚蓝的珊瑚海 错过瞬间苍白
当初彼此（你有我的） 不够成熟坦白
不应该
热情不再 笑容勉强不来
爱深埋珊瑚海
毁坏的沙雕如何重来
有裂痕的爱怎么重盖
只是一切结束太快
你说你无法释怀
贝壳里隐藏什么期待
等花儿开
我们也已经无心再猜
脸上海风 咸咸的爱
尝不出还有未来
转身离开
分手说不出来（你有话说不出来）
海鸟跟鱼相爱 只是一场意外
我们的爱 差异一直存在
回不来
风中尘埃 竟累积成伤害（等待竟累积成伤害）
转身离开 分手说不出来
蔚蓝的珊瑚海 错过瞬间苍白
当初彼此（你有我的） 不够成熟坦白
不应该
热情不在 你的笑容勉强不来
爱深埋珊瑚海
===========
this song used to be my favourate... now listening to it, suddenly realise it is so 贴切...
yes, i still need time.
Monday, March 12, 2007
tired...
still missing him... though i can make myself forget about his leaving temporarily when i'm doing work.
你快回来 我一个人承受不来…
你快回来 我一个人承受不来…
=waiting for a miracle=
Saturday, March 10, 2007
应该到了要说些什么的时候吧…
=its such a long post…dun expect any1 to have the patience to finish reading it.
It is just for my own record… to let myself know I have been this sad.=
一个星期也就这样过去了。说实话，感觉还真的有一点久。
当时两个人在我的房间抱着哭，还真不是一幅寻常的画面。
眼睛到现在还是很痛。我这双心灵的窗口呵，在过去的一个星期真的是受到了各种款式不同花样但又是同样非人的折磨~真的是不好意思啊不好意思啊，用劲扬的话来说，我也不想这样的阿。
oops~ i am being a bit sarcastic. oops oops.
dun really want to victimize myself. trying to make myself a victim can only piss me off further cos it makes me more loser. i used to laugh at the word 'dump'. it gives me the feeling of throwing a bag of thrash into a rubbish bin, with a 'booom' sound. funny. now i guess i can sort of say i'm 'dumped' by jingyang? hmm.
and really. i feel like laughing at myself.
What do I want? Now I am so sad over this, is it bcos it was him who suggested breaking up? if it was me, would I feel better now?
Come to think of it, the major cause of my sadness should be he does not want to be with me anymore, and 1, he is very sure about it; 2, he somehow hided it well and suddenly told me everything on 3rd march, and left me on the same day.
I never thought he would left me. Never.
我真的一直有一种优越感，相信他就是一直傻傻的喜欢着我，我永远也不用担心他会离开。
So now, how more loser can u be, ye dan??
His family was not nice to him. His work and studies were very stressed. He came to u bcos u could bring him joy and happiness, bcos he could rest well in ur hug.
Now nothing has changed. His family is getting worse to him, he works until 10pm everyday. and yet he left u.
The day before he was still msging me, calling me ‘dar’; on 4th march he gave me the last msg, calling me ‘dan’ instead, and ask me to take care of myself.
And there he went. Not a single msg in the past week.
Was abit shocked. Tried to hold him back, even 拉下脸来 ask him ‘can u pls stay?’ and told him if he want to turn back, I will still be here waiting for him.
He says dar, 不要等我了，好吗？
He says 我对自己已经没有把握了…
I wonder how can I deal with love from now on. Want to find someone to somehow fill up the empty space so that maybe I will feel better, but no one ard me can give me the same feeling yang gave me. Or just find someone who claim he loves me to make do with it? Some friends say for gals its better to find a guy who loves u than a guy u love. But how? There is a space that is reserved for the one I love. It was filled up, but now left empty.
Even if I find someone I truly love? Please, I dare not to fall into it deeper than the guy again. Its really painful if he left me. Its enough to experience it once.
So I guess it will take a long long time before I start my next relationship.
i know we've not been so loving as compared to when we were in JC, or even when u were in NS. in fact i'm the one who raised the issue, and to initiate the question 'do i love u and do u love me?'
and on my side I have also considered break up, when I realized we were bcoming more and more distant and talk less and less. I planned to tell him what I was thinking after I came back from CNY holidays. But he opened his mouth before I did. And the stupid me was still expecting him 挽留 me when I was planning telling him about breaking up. how ironic.
I tot I wouldn’t be too sad after breaking up. I have complained about this relationship quite a few times, and I was even wondering whether I still love yang.
But I was wrong. My heart is freaking bloody pain.
Its kind of pain tt is v difficult to describe. As if something is lost all of a sudden, when u r so used to it. He is still there, but not there FOR ME.
And I can start thinking of him whatever I am doing. Tot of him having training in VJ when I do wushu in comm hall, tot of him eating when I cook Maggie mee, tot of him coming to NUS open house with me when I was in this year’s open house this afternoon.
He is so un-replaceable.
Rationally, it might be wise to break up with yang, like both my mom and ball said. We are not suitable. And bcos of his family, his personality of being v shy and not willing to open up and share with me, and the fact that what he gave me was usually not what I want, we wont really have a future.
But yang kept giving me the feeling that he would hold on to me and 陪我走到终点, as what he told me 2 years ago.
Mayb tts why I was so shocked when he suggested and insisted so firmly on breaking up. until now I still cant believe he just left like that.
I didn’t really want to give up. I wanted to present him two choices. Break up, or we both put in some more effort and pull our relationship back. I choose to believe 感情是要经营的，不完全靠缘分. And I chose to believe he loved me deep enough for him to change for me, and I change for him.
It was then proven that he did not.
He says its hard for him to change. I was also thinking if he changes, will it still be him? If I so want him to change to wat I like, do I stil love him?
And now I can answer this question with a big ‘YES’, cos now even when I see people with exactly the characters I like, I dun have any feeling towards them. I just want my yang.
sorry yang I didn’t follow what u told me in ur last sms. i kept skipping breakfasts, lunches and dinners. i didn’t drink much water. and I can’t make myself enjoy whatever I was doing.
felt a bit like giving up. i just threw myself into my endless schoolwork and hall activities and give up on taking care myself. What for taking care of myself?
Last Saturday nite and Sunday nite were the most horrible nite I have ever experienced. I had to hand up an essay by Monday morning, and I simply cannot get my brain to work. I kept falling in stoning mode, and u know what was all over my mind.
Stayed up til 4am. With pathetic progress on essay, and swollen eyes which were running out of water.
So in the past week my eyes were made dry and swollen for the first few days, and then they still had to stare at laptop screen for more than 5 hours everyday bcos of my hectic schedule last week, and bear with the eyeliner when I performed on Wednesday and Thursday for Chinese dance concert.
They are very very pain now. I feel my vision is getting blurer, even with my specs on.
时间真的是一个可爱的东西。一个星期后的现在，我应该算是已经调整好了心情了吧。不会再像刚开始几天那么呆滞，那么需要人陪，那么疯狂的一个人在房间走来走去，甚至拍打房间的墙壁。
还是没有想通。他就这么走了？走得这么坚决？
我到底做错了什么？
还是不想放弃。今天下午试着sms他，抱着一点点希望。可能一个星期的时间让他想通了？
Me: u really dun want to b my bf le ah? Sob sob. I want u back leh =( can dun give up so easily?
Yang: sorry dar… I tired le…tink if get back 2gether..same thg wil happen again..
Me: y tired?
Yang: juz dun feel rite anymre.. N dun tink its gd 4 both of us 2 carry on anymre. Scared in e end we wld b a burden 2 each other..
Me: nt 4 me. Dun feel rite?..i’m still e yedan in vjc…I can tell I didn’t change much..its really lack of communication, and we can work on that..
Yang: bt I dun feel tt way anymre.. I dun want 2 hurt u mre.. so tink its best 2 let go alr.. k?
Me: mayb its juz too sudden and shocking 4 me… nvm. Ok. Miss u. muack.
Yang: sorry dar. Really sorry dar.. bt tink our relationship is making both of us tired n unhappy.. cant c e point of carrying on alr.. at least we dun hate each other nw
Me: I’m nt tired and I’m happy with u.
Yang: sorry. My fault. Partly y I tink u dunno me anymre. N I dunno u too. N I’m nt wat u want me to b. juz cant..
呵呵…看来我是彻彻底底的被甩了。
拿出3年前记录我和他之间每一则简讯的簿子，在最后一页记下了这几则。我还是相当浪漫主义的。
At last, need to say big thank you to quite a few people...
shin, for always been here PHYSICALLY for me, so that i do not have to walk around in my room like mad, having nobody to talk to.
ball, for the entry on ur blog, for the nite we talk to each other, for our msn conversation. u r just simply one of my best friends.
peijia, for accompany me and allowed me to hold her to slp, abandoning poor kok.
yuzhu, for the sms =)
zhanjiang, for our msn conversation, though i kno u were so free to talk to me just bcoz u were staying at home on MC =,=
YY and angele and the random passerby, for leaving words of encouragement on my tagboard =)
Big Face, for the email. i love u.
coco, for ur hug on msn.
jiahui and yuanlin, for ur asking and listening.
laoban men in xqrj, kane, kok n seng, for being so brother and so sensitive to realize my sadness.
colin, for ur care.
I LOVE U ALL.
and i dedicate this entry to him, who will most likely never see this entry. Thanks dar, for giving me 2 years 8months 6 days of happiness and love, and allowing me to experience the pain of losing it.
And I dedicate this entry to myself. Hey, 记得要忘记。
It is just for my own record… to let myself know I have been this sad.=
一个星期也就这样过去了。说实话，感觉还真的有一点久。
当时两个人在我的房间抱着哭，还真不是一幅寻常的画面。
眼睛到现在还是很痛。我这双心灵的窗口呵，在过去的一个星期真的是受到了各种款式不同花样但又是同样非人的折磨~真的是不好意思啊不好意思啊，用劲扬的话来说，我也不想这样的阿。
oops~ i am being a bit sarcastic. oops oops.
dun really want to victimize myself. trying to make myself a victim can only piss me off further cos it makes me more loser. i used to laugh at the word 'dump'. it gives me the feeling of throwing a bag of thrash into a rubbish bin, with a 'booom' sound. funny. now i guess i can sort of say i'm 'dumped' by jingyang? hmm.
and really. i feel like laughing at myself.
What do I want? Now I am so sad over this, is it bcos it was him who suggested breaking up? if it was me, would I feel better now?
Come to think of it, the major cause of my sadness should be he does not want to be with me anymore, and 1, he is very sure about it; 2, he somehow hided it well and suddenly told me everything on 3rd march, and left me on the same day.
I never thought he would left me. Never.
我真的一直有一种优越感，相信他就是一直傻傻的喜欢着我，我永远也不用担心他会离开。
So now, how more loser can u be, ye dan??
His family was not nice to him. His work and studies were very stressed. He came to u bcos u could bring him joy and happiness, bcos he could rest well in ur hug.
Now nothing has changed. His family is getting worse to him, he works until 10pm everyday. and yet he left u.
The day before he was still msging me, calling me ‘dar’; on 4th march he gave me the last msg, calling me ‘dan’ instead, and ask me to take care of myself.
And there he went. Not a single msg in the past week.
Was abit shocked. Tried to hold him back, even 拉下脸来 ask him ‘can u pls stay?’ and told him if he want to turn back, I will still be here waiting for him.
He says dar, 不要等我了，好吗？
He says 我对自己已经没有把握了…
I wonder how can I deal with love from now on. Want to find someone to somehow fill up the empty space so that maybe I will feel better, but no one ard me can give me the same feeling yang gave me. Or just find someone who claim he loves me to make do with it? Some friends say for gals its better to find a guy who loves u than a guy u love. But how? There is a space that is reserved for the one I love. It was filled up, but now left empty.
Even if I find someone I truly love? Please, I dare not to fall into it deeper than the guy again. Its really painful if he left me. Its enough to experience it once.
So I guess it will take a long long time before I start my next relationship.
i know we've not been so loving as compared to when we were in JC, or even when u were in NS. in fact i'm the one who raised the issue, and to initiate the question 'do i love u and do u love me?'
and on my side I have also considered break up, when I realized we were bcoming more and more distant and talk less and less. I planned to tell him what I was thinking after I came back from CNY holidays. But he opened his mouth before I did. And the stupid me was still expecting him 挽留 me when I was planning telling him about breaking up. how ironic.
I tot I wouldn’t be too sad after breaking up. I have complained about this relationship quite a few times, and I was even wondering whether I still love yang.
But I was wrong. My heart is freaking bloody pain.
Its kind of pain tt is v difficult to describe. As if something is lost all of a sudden, when u r so used to it. He is still there, but not there FOR ME.
And I can start thinking of him whatever I am doing. Tot of him having training in VJ when I do wushu in comm hall, tot of him eating when I cook Maggie mee, tot of him coming to NUS open house with me when I was in this year’s open house this afternoon.
He is so un-replaceable.
Rationally, it might be wise to break up with yang, like both my mom and ball said. We are not suitable. And bcos of his family, his personality of being v shy and not willing to open up and share with me, and the fact that what he gave me was usually not what I want, we wont really have a future.
But yang kept giving me the feeling that he would hold on to me and 陪我走到终点, as what he told me 2 years ago.
Mayb tts why I was so shocked when he suggested and insisted so firmly on breaking up. until now I still cant believe he just left like that.
I didn’t really want to give up. I wanted to present him two choices. Break up, or we both put in some more effort and pull our relationship back. I choose to believe 感情是要经营的，不完全靠缘分. And I chose to believe he loved me deep enough for him to change for me, and I change for him.
It was then proven that he did not.
He says its hard for him to change. I was also thinking if he changes, will it still be him? If I so want him to change to wat I like, do I stil love him?
And now I can answer this question with a big ‘YES’, cos now even when I see people with exactly the characters I like, I dun have any feeling towards them. I just want my yang.
sorry yang I didn’t follow what u told me in ur last sms. i kept skipping breakfasts, lunches and dinners. i didn’t drink much water. and I can’t make myself enjoy whatever I was doing.
felt a bit like giving up. i just threw myself into my endless schoolwork and hall activities and give up on taking care myself. What for taking care of myself?
Last Saturday nite and Sunday nite were the most horrible nite I have ever experienced. I had to hand up an essay by Monday morning, and I simply cannot get my brain to work. I kept falling in stoning mode, and u know what was all over my mind.
Stayed up til 4am. With pathetic progress on essay, and swollen eyes which were running out of water.
So in the past week my eyes were made dry and swollen for the first few days, and then they still had to stare at laptop screen for more than 5 hours everyday bcos of my hectic schedule last week, and bear with the eyeliner when I performed on Wednesday and Thursday for Chinese dance concert.
They are very very pain now. I feel my vision is getting blurer, even with my specs on.
时间真的是一个可爱的东西。一个星期后的现在，我应该算是已经调整好了心情了吧。不会再像刚开始几天那么呆滞，那么需要人陪，那么疯狂的一个人在房间走来走去，甚至拍打房间的墙壁。
还是没有想通。他就这么走了？走得这么坚决？
我到底做错了什么？
还是不想放弃。今天下午试着sms他，抱着一点点希望。可能一个星期的时间让他想通了？
Me: u really dun want to b my bf le ah? Sob sob. I want u back leh =( can dun give up so easily?
Yang: sorry dar… I tired le…tink if get back 2gether..same thg wil happen again..
Me: y tired?
Yang: juz dun feel rite anymre.. N dun tink its gd 4 both of us 2 carry on anymre. Scared in e end we wld b a burden 2 each other..
Me: nt 4 me. Dun feel rite?..i’m still e yedan in vjc…I can tell I didn’t change much..its really lack of communication, and we can work on that..
Yang: bt I dun feel tt way anymre.. I dun want 2 hurt u mre.. so tink its best 2 let go alr.. k?
Me: mayb its juz too sudden and shocking 4 me… nvm. Ok. Miss u. muack.
Yang: sorry dar. Really sorry dar.. bt tink our relationship is making both of us tired n unhappy.. cant c e point of carrying on alr.. at least we dun hate each other nw
Me: I’m nt tired and I’m happy with u.
Yang: sorry. My fault. Partly y I tink u dunno me anymre. N I dunno u too. N I’m nt wat u want me to b. juz cant..
呵呵…看来我是彻彻底底的被甩了。
拿出3年前记录我和他之间每一则简讯的簿子，在最后一页记下了这几则。我还是相当浪漫主义的。
At last, need to say big thank you to quite a few people...
shin, for always been here PHYSICALLY for me, so that i do not have to walk around in my room like mad, having nobody to talk to.
ball, for the entry on ur blog, for the nite we talk to each other, for our msn conversation. u r just simply one of my best friends.
peijia, for accompany me and allowed me to hold her to slp, abandoning poor kok.
yuzhu, for the sms =)
zhanjiang, for our msn conversation, though i kno u were so free to talk to me just bcoz u were staying at home on MC =,=
YY and angele and the random passerby, for leaving words of encouragement on my tagboard =)
Big Face, for the email. i love u.
coco, for ur hug on msn.
jiahui and yuanlin, for ur asking and listening.
laoban men in xqrj, kane, kok n seng, for being so brother and so sensitive to realize my sadness.
colin, for ur care.
I LOVE U ALL.
and i dedicate this entry to him, who will most likely never see this entry. Thanks dar, for giving me 2 years 8months 6 days of happiness and love, and allowing me to experience the pain of losing it.
And I dedicate this entry to myself. Hey, 记得要忘记。
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
美丽的误会
那时候听爱如潮水
想象着万一我们不是一对
你和我谁会在深夜里孤独的买醉
这一晚我一个人睡
防备着那于事无补的伤悲
还有很多工作
只能面对 不能憔悴
我为我的坚强而骄傲
却为这段情感到惭愧
我只能够承认失去了你
都无所谓
我听的歌爱的人说的话
是不是美丽的误会
我不能为你不顾一切的崩溃
除非这样子能保证把你挽回
我牵的手伤的心流的泪
是不是浪漫的误会
是爱得太伤还是伤得太累
难道你还不配让我的心碎
这一晚听爱如潮水
数算着为感情而吃过的亏
搞不懂麻木是不是我学到的智慧
那时候我们都很累
还以为分手之后总有机会
让我们说后悔
为了失恋为所欲为
在爱情的面前我宁愿卑微
==========
kind of busy these days... as i have complained in one of the previous posts...
so just put up some songs that describe my feelings... for the time being...
work and studies will keep me ok =)
想象着万一我们不是一对
你和我谁会在深夜里孤独的买醉
这一晚我一个人睡
防备着那于事无补的伤悲
还有很多工作
只能面对 不能憔悴
我为我的坚强而骄傲
却为这段情感到惭愧
我只能够承认失去了你
都无所谓
我听的歌爱的人说的话
是不是美丽的误会
我不能为你不顾一切的崩溃
除非这样子能保证把你挽回
我牵的手伤的心流的泪
是不是浪漫的误会
是爱得太伤还是伤得太累
难道你还不配让我的心碎
这一晚听爱如潮水
数算着为感情而吃过的亏
搞不懂麻木是不是我学到的智慧
那时候我们都很累
还以为分手之后总有机会
让我们说后悔
为了失恋为所欲为
在爱情的面前我宁愿卑微
==========
kind of busy these days... as i have complained in one of the previous posts...
so just put up some songs that describe my feelings... for the time being...
work and studies will keep me ok =)
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